Inner Child Speaks

What's popping tribe? It's Friday, 1:48am EST, and I haven't been to sleep yet. I was catching up on my homework, reading, and of course writing this blog post. What do ya'll have plans this Valentine's Day weekend? Share with me if you don't mind. As for me, I have in person doc school today and Saturday. I'm still reminiscing Wednesday LIVE classes. It was lit! I really enjoyed it! I am proud of the Discord I set up with my students. It's a beautiful thing to see students interact and practice with each other. If you are interested in joining, here's the link that is only available for seven (7) days, https://discord.gg/CgJHebNQ Be sure to join in the experience, and yes it's FREE!! Hope to see you there!

The above gif demonstrates exactly how I felt when I recharged after teaching both of my classes on Wednesday. If you haven't caught the Tik Tok Live this past Wednesday, you can watch the replay here, https://youtu.be/rkaKngBB2a0?si=RYY5NiAhpOBbg-M8.

I noticed every time I teach my classes whether that be online, in school, within the community, or to my children, it heals my inner child a little bit more than the last time I taught. Every teaching experience is different and therapeutic for my inner child. Let me introduce you to my inner child, Fatjack. I know you're like, "What kind of name is that?" LOL It is my nickname given to me by my biological maternal granny. I know I'm not the only one with a weird and funny nickname. I'm intrigued in knowing your nickname, comment below if you're not ashamed of it, in fact you should embrace it if it's not terrorizing you. I, Kamil is turning this post over to Fatjack. You'll read on what she has to say. I'm just going to sit back and allow her to be vulnerable with you all. I hope this would be an eye opener for you all when you think of your family member who may be Deaf, hard of hearing, and/or nonverbal. Happy reading!

Hi everyone! I am happy about Kamil giving me the opportunity to speak on this platform. I wasn't sure if this was the right time to make myself known just yet. But Kamil has mentioned several times in some of ya'll comments and maybe in the LIVE about her inner child (me) was healing despite not mentioning my name. It is actually I that teaches you all sign language. Growing up in my biological family, no one took the opportunity to learn sign language to communicate with me. Lip reading was mandatory for me around my family, which left me with no choice, but to adapt. However, I was able to code-switch between using sign language at school and using my voice full time at home. My mother had me in speech all year round in addition to summer school. I used to complain about it, because I wanted a summer vacation just like other children. But the other children I'm referring to where neighbor friends, but they didn't know any sign language. I read their lips to make out what they were saying as a way to establish friendships. But it can be frustrating, because it's not always accurate and kids would think I was slow, dumb, or just weird. Often times, I would stay to myself just waiting for the next time I am able to go back to school to be with my peers who were like me. It was my happy place to sign with them for six hours. I felt belonged, seen, and heard by my friends and teachers.

I would dread when it was time to go back home, to a place where I didn't feel seen nor heard although my biological family tried their best to interact with me. I was not taught to embrace myself and my condition nor taught to love everything about me. My sister and I lived with various family members until our mother was mentally stable to care for us again. Unfortunately, that never happened, so we had to be placed in foster care since living with family members was just a temporary solution. However, I must say, I did keep in touch with my bio family throughout my duration in foster care.

My experience in foster care was similar to my bio family, in which no one knew sign language. Again, I had to lip read to understand what people were saying to me. As I've said before it is frustrating to lip read, because it's not accurate. And not only that, there are so many things happening while trying to articulate what is being said. First, I'm reading your lip while trying to listen with my good ear which utilized a hearing aid. Try to make out the sentence despite missing some words. In my brain, there are multiple sentences I'm trying to see if it makes sense with several words. The auditory processing is in overdrive. Oh my goodness, it's as if I'm a robot transcriber trying to decode the message. By fifth grade, my teachers, caseworker, and support team thought it was in my best interest to have me mainstream full time in school with the general pupils, because I was intelligent. In other words, to be removed from the special education class (my comfort and happy space) to a general education class of 25 students who did not know any sign language, not even the teacher. Just imagined how traumatized I was to be in an unfamiliar environment. No matter how much I acted out, got suspended, etc., I could not come back to the special education class for the second time (the first time was in third grade). I had no choice, but to adapt to the changes. It was so frustrating to not have any accommodations in place other than preferential seating. What good was that? Not I only endured communication barriers, I also endured language barriers.

I had to figure out how to make this work. No one followed up with me on how I was adjusting to the sudden changes. My teachers talked so much as if they were college professors. I would be praying in my mind so much for them to take a break from talking so I can hurry up and write down the class notes. Other times when my teachers had their backs towards me in which I'm unable to read their lips or hear what they said accurately, I would take advantage of that opportunity to write notes down. Don't get me wrong, there were days, I didn't want to hear anything and would just take my hearing aid out. It does get overwhelming when I'm overstimulated from my peers talking in class while the teacher is talking. I had to take my own time outs, by going to the restroom and stay there until I was able to collect my thoughts or walk down the hall to peek in my former special education class. I had to do what I had to do to maintain my sanity.

Eventually, I was still able to maintain my honor roll and merit roll status. I excelled throughout the k-12 education school system without an interpreter or any other accommodations that could have been available to me. It wasn't until I became a doctoral candidate that I could have an interpreter in the classroom. I didn't know how to feel, because it was surreal. I kept asking were they sure, and each time I was told "yes". I never knew I could have been paired with an interpreter throughout my k-12 education, undergraduate, and graduate courses. Why was that withheld from me? I was busting my tail working harder than my hearing peers to be in the same bracket as them and to be seen that I am capable of doing what they were doing. Unfortunately, that is never the case, because having a hearing loss, there is a stigma attached to it as if it makes one feel less than a human.

Have you ever heard of dinner table syndrome? It is where a Deaf, hard of hearing, or nonverbal person is at a gathering among friends and/or families. If they see someone laughing whether they are sitting across from them, standing next to them, etc. and they ask you what was funny. They are often told "Don't worry about it", "I tell you later", "You wouldn't understand", etc. which leaves them out of the conversation. Many people don't realize that they are denied the experience of being included in conversations, to be seen, to be heard, to be a part of a family and/or friendship. And this is why many of them do not want to attend gatherings, because they already know what the outcome is going to be. Why should I be there if people will make small talks with me just to say, "Hi, how are you doing?" before continuing on their way or not even talk with me at all. It's as if I'm there, but no one sees me. It's a very lonely experience. All I need is one person who knows sign language to be there. It will lighten up my world, because now I can communicate, instead of starring and picking at the food with my fork or starring at my phone or texting my friends about how much I hate being at gatherings with no one to talk to. Trust me, we will gossip a storm about our family's negligence on not learning sign language. It's how we have to entertain ourselves for the time being while we're there.

I could understand why a Deaf, hard of hearing, or nonverbal person may want to stay away and only be around a community that is like them. It is where they are seen, heard, and feel belong. Some may choose to stay at their Deaf school, residential, etc. instead of coming home for the holidays, vacations, etc. Parents starts questioning themselves why their child does not want to come home. Well, this is why and the fact they are not learning sign language to communicate with them. Not learning sign language to communicate with us is like telling us, you do not accept us for who we are. It is not our fault that we have a hearing loss nor cannot talk. But we do have the right to be seen, heard, and to feel that we are a part of a family. We're TIRED of having sore spots in our hearts and facing depression to be away from our family, because they don't want to communicate in our love language (sign language). Sign language is a part of me, and it is how I am able to communicate with you!

In conclusion, what I've shared with you is a high probability of what goes on in the mind of a Deaf, hard of hearing, nonverbal child, teenagers, young adults, and adults. Why don't you ask them and I guarantee they'll tell you. They may feel uncomfortable to tell you at first but be honest with them that you want to improve on communicating with them. And apologize to them for not knowing what you do know now. It's the first step towards healing. Then tell the rest of your family to get on board to learn sign language or be left out and contact may be limited. LOL, I'm just keeping it real here. I strongly stand by this motto, "If they wanted to, they would!"

I'm so sorry this post is so long! I promise, I'm wrapping it up, but hear me out. To see and read so many comments and emails from you all about wanting to learn sign language along with the reasons ranging from nonverbal, Deaf, and hard of hearing children/siblings/family. It warmed my heart so much, because I always wanted my family and foster family to communicate with me in sign language. Even now with all these lessons I'm offering for FREE on Tik Tok LIVE and YouTube, they still don't want to learn despite telling them I refused to read lips. I am TIRED! It is exhausting! Anyhow, I'm at peace with it and have very limited contact with them. I don't let it bother me, because I'm too busy teaching you all to give the gift of communication so that nonverbal, Deaf, and hard of hearing children/siblings/family does not experience what I've experienced. I'm all for strengthen family ties and educating the next sign language leaders! I want to thank you all for healing me and entrusting me to teach you. Please take heart to everything I've just said and think about your love ones. How would you feel if the tables were turned? Would you want someone to communicate with you in a language that you are comfortable with?

Remember sign language is an expressive art through the beautiful movements of our hands! Have a good night.

Don't forget to join Discord for FREE to join in the beautiful experience, https://discord.gg/CgJHebNQ remember link is good for 7 days. If you haven't watched the replay of Wednesday's LIVE class, you can check it out on YouTube, but here's the link to make it easier for you, https://youtu.be/rkaKngBB2a0?si=RYY5NiAhpOBbg-M8. Make sure you subscribe to my YouTube channel to stay up to date of new lessons. Until next time, keep signing art!

Signing Art,

Fatjack